CoupLinks Marital Intelligence

At Gearing Up, we are dedicated to teaching you the fundamentals of a great marriage through learning the essential skills of emotional intelligence.

These skills will lead to vastly improved communication strategies, a deepened understanding of one another and of yourself, and enhanced passion in the bedroom. A different kind of intelligence, our emotional intelligence skills breakthrough gridlock, heal emotional wounds and develop emotional empathy. All of these attributes are essential for a long and lasting love affair with your spouse.

The Four Branches of Emotional Intelligence

Perceiving Emotions: The ability to perceive emotions in oneself and others as well as in objects, art, stories, music, and other stimuli.

Facilitating Thought: The ability to generate, use, and feel emotion as necessary to communicate feelings or employ them in other cognitive processes.

Understanding Emotions: The ability to understand emotional information, to understand how emotions combine and progress through relationship transitions, and to appreciate such emotional meanings.

Managing Emotions: The ability to be open to feelings, and to modulate them in oneself and others so as to promote personal understanding and growth.

Our model of marital intelligence is based on the collective work of John Mayer, Peter Salovey and David Caruso (Emotional Intelligence: Theory, Findings and Implications, Psychological Inquiry, 2004, Vol. 15, No. 3, 197-215.)

Understanding My Emotions

Self-Awareness

Our ability to perceive and experience our emotions as they occur is important to sustaining a rich emotional life. Self-reflection is a discipline. Being open to our own emotions is essential in understanding the emotions of others.

Ebb and Flow of Emotions

Understanding that emotions come and go and that the inevitable transitions in our emotional life are essential aspects of enriched living. Sustaining a steady internal stance in the face of strong emotions is critical for maintaining emotional equilibrium and emotional effectiveness.

Mindfully Attentive

To remain mindfully attentive to our emotional ups and downs as they occur assists in detaching from negativity. To remain unthreatened when an upsetting event occurs allows us to deal with the problem and to solve the problem. Modulated reactions build self-confidence and self esteem.

Emotional Understanding

We must understand emotional information and that emotions constantly change, combine and coalesce into new emotional patterns. As these patterns shift, our relationships can transition in response. Emotionally intelligent people work hard to focus on making these patterns relationship enhancing.

Measured Perspective

The ability to skillfully audit our perceptions and reactions and to self-correct emotional misfires in real-time. Such skills restore rapport with our partner and increase our resilient belief that we can handle anything.

Understanding My Partner's Emotions

Love When It is Tough

One of the most powerful skills in marriage is being able to love your partner when he or she is difficult to love. During conflict, failure and adversity, he needs you more than ever.

I’ve Got Your Back, Baby

Empathy is that warm emotional blanket that you wrap around your beloved when life gets tough. Such tenderness is the elixir of love. It is one of the most effective and important skills in nurturing your partner, in creating a sense of teamwork, and in helping her to unravel her feelings. Using your cognitive and emotional skills, you will be able to soothe and calm her enhancing couple affection.

Using Emotions to Communicate Effectively

The ability to generate, use and experience feelings effectively in communicate can help you tackle the difficult issues and competently handle them as a team.

Appreciation and Understanding of Gender Differences, Responsibilities

Inclusion versus Exclusion, Respect and Disrespect, Venting versus Accusing, etc.

Interdependence and Balance

Measured protection and loyalty to your marriage while also balancing the needs of the self are hallmarks of emotional intelligence. Collaboration, sacrifice and trust flourish when both partners faithfully observe this balance.

Adversity is Opportunity

Viewing adversity, as an opportunity to reach out to your spouse is an essential emotional intelligence characteristic. Modulated emotions (calm and kindness) are key skills to navigating conflict, achieving resolution, repairing disagreements, compromising and diffusing gridlocked emotions and issues.

Empowering Our New Marriage

Love is in the Daily Details

Love is a verb and it flourishes in the 1,000 different details of daily acts of kindness. Emotionally intelligent spouses actively seek opportunities to help their spouses and such thoughtfulness is intoxicating to love.

Deepening Connection

Relationships are dynamic systems of relating and change dramatically every few years as individual partners change and grow. Accommodating and enhancing your marriage as each transition occurs is vital.

Realistic Expectations

Matching our expectations of the marriage with the developmental phase of the marriage is a vital skill of emotional intelligence. Such realism prevents partners from growing resentful and alienated.

Better Together than Apart

Articulated vision of our dreams, shared history (our story together), blending of personalities, signature strengths, and couple rituals.

Sustained Focus

Marital neglect is rampant. Emotional intelligence is the antidote to marital neglect since it requires a sustained, discipline approach to loving your partner and honoring your covenant.

From Partners to Parents

New Parents Counseling: Transitioning From Partners to Parents

Research indicates that two thirds of American couples report that relationship satisfaction declines precipitously after the baby is born. Couples fight more, are more physically and emotionally exhausted, are less patient, experience marginal emotional and physical intimacy and may even begin to disengage from the marriage. Worst of all, parental discord and fighting may affect the physical and emotional development of the child during these early pivotal years.

Our program teaches new parents:

• How to Cool Down Your Conflicts
• How to Approach Difficult Problems Diplomatically
• How to Use Relaxation and Self Soothing Skills Effectively
• How Time is Now a Commodity and Must be Shared Equally
• The Art of Compromise and Listening with Your Heart and Your Mind
• Diffusing the Damage: How to Rebound from Conflict and Restore Communication in Real Time
• After the Fight: Repairing the Damage from Conflict and Mayhem
• Rebooting the Marital Friendship
• Redefining Our Love as Partners Who Have Transitioned to Parenting
• How to Overcome Gridlock and Lock Down in Conflict
• Romance and Passion Rekindled
• Enhancing Couple Identity
• Connecting with Others to Improve the Couple Identity