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Attraction And Breaking Up - By Chris Gearing

Friday, February 04, 2011

How Breaking Up Affects The Next Relationship - By Chris Gearing

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Attraction and Breaking Up

How Men and Women See Rejection Differently

Yet another difference between men and women was revealed by a new study from the University of Michigan that says how you react to your partner’s previous relationship may actually depend on your gender. Here to tell us more is psychologist, Dr. Sylvia Gearing.

So how does your last relationship affect how your new partner sees you?

This study really surprised the researchers because the opinions were so strong, but who-breaks-up-with-who seems to set a tone for the beginning of the next relationship. Apparently, whether you were rejected or were the one who rejected gives a certain appearance that is either relationship enhancing or detracting depending on your gender. Here’s what the study reports:

Men’s rating of their girlfriend improved when she has been rejected.

Women want the man to be the rejecting party and finds men more desirable if they were the ones to walk away.

Why would men be attracted to a rejected woman?

Men are very sensitive to their own hierarchy and power. Since men apparently like women who have been dumped, they may feel more important and secure in their power from the beginning. They may be reading her previous loyalty to her former partner as a virtue and feel reassured that they are less likely to be rejected. Many men also enjoy “rescue” relationships in which they feel needed, sought after, and truly valued. The fact that the last guy walked away makes them feel that they are making a difference in her life and that she is completely open to him. They do not see the fact that she was dumped as a problem with her, but rather as a new and wonderful opportunity for them.

What about how women react?

Women are Sensitive to Being Excluded and Included. We know from female psychology that women feel the ultimate insult is excluding someone from your life. Women prefer guys who pushed their last lady away since such actions offer a fresh start to a new relationship. The fact that he put an end to the relationship also seems to give it more closure – they feel secure that he won’t go back. They seem to view the rejecting male as stronger, more decisive and able to make difficult decisions about important matters.

Any parting advice for our viewers?

Attraction is Complex: Remember that attraction in a relationship is a complex response, especially when it comes to the female brain. A woman’s attraction to a man is much more complex than we ever thought possible. Forget personality, looks, or even money -- women seem to be drawn at times to unlikely partners for reasons as simple as his relationship history.

Consider the Entire Picture: Both genders need to make sure that they include many factors in deciding whether they want to pursue a relationship or not. Make sure you don’t judge him or her too harshly—you may be missing a great person. Each person that you date should be understood as an individual who made the best decision he could at the time.

Ask More Questions: If you are unsure about someone, ask more questions. For example, if you are a man and are dating a woman who walked out on a relationship, make sure you understand exactly what her reasons were. She may have shown extraordinary strength of character in leaving.

In the reverse, if you are a woman and dating a man who was left, consider that he may have been loyal and true until the very end. How he acted with her can be predictive of where he goes with you.

Source:

"Rejection Hurts" by Christine Stanik

Reaction To Past Relationships Depends On Gender - By Chris Gearing

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How To Become Emotionally Fit In The New Year - By Chris Gearing

Friday, December 31, 2010

How To Survive The Holidays With Your Family - By Chris Gearing

Friday, December 24, 2010

How To Survive The Holidays With Your Family - By Chris Gearing

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

With the mistletoe in place and the lights on our trees, many Americans will look forward to a warm reunion with their families in the next few weeks. But family gatherings don't always offer the good times we had anticipated.

So, why can our families be so difficult at the holidays?

The simple truth is that many of our families are just very hard to get along with. See how many of these fit your family:

Tangled History: Family relationships are some of our greatest challenges and greatest teachers. Many of us have tangled, complex histories with our siblings and parents that have never been resolved. In addition, some of us are saddled with relatives that are just plain insufferable.

Fight It Out: Most of us have a much more difficult time “letting things go” when it comes to our family. Instead of forgiving and forgetting, we hold on to painful memories and fight it out.

High Expectations: We tend to set high expectations for change and understanding with our family members, but most of them haven’t changed and may never change. Someone who was difficult twenty years ago may still be just as abrasive now.

Stressed Anyway: Two thirds of Americans are severely stressed at the holidays and function in a fog. Instead of protecting ourselves and getting enough rest and self-care, we command ourselves to participate in holiday activities that wear us out and make us grumpier.

But if the holidays can be so stressful, why do we always seem to get together and celebrate with our families?

Celebrating the holidays with family boils down to ritual. Whether it’s decorating the tree or eating Chinese take out for dinner, rituals are very powerful in making us feel connected to the past and to our family. All of our traditions, songs and holiday schedules remind us of the positive aspects of our lives today and prepare us for the new year of work and possibilities.

Everybody knows that the holidays can be stressful, and sometimes seeing our families only makes things worse. But we still force ourselves to show up. If you’re one of these sad souls, here are a few tips to help make the holidays bright:

Be Realistic: Christmas is much more deeply tied to our childhood memories than any other holiday and we are hoping that these family rituals will fuel our good feelings once again, as they did in childhood. Try to temper down those high expectations and don’t put so much pressure on the holiday! Instead, use this time to get a plan together and take control of your destiny in the new year.

You Think What You Eat: Did you know that December and January are the deadliest month of the year for heart attacks? Between the rich holiday meals, flowing alcohol, financial stress, it’s no wonder that Americans tend to drink and eat excessively. If you add in a few challenging relatives, this stress can push you over the edge. Try to watch what you eat and take it easy on the alcohol.

Stay Cool: Go into the holidays with a realistic mindset or what psychologists call, “pre-loading.” You will keep your cool in hot situations much easier if you expect them to happen. Realize and even expect that an argument may break out at the table or that your uncle may have a bit too much to drink. Pre-loading will help you keep control of your own emotional reactions and if things get too tense, just take a time out.

Private Holiday Magic: Visit with your family but leave the holiday magic to your private moments with a cherished spouse, wonderful children, or even lifelong friends. The magic of this season is always found in the special moments with our loved ones.

How To Protect Yourself From Parental Alienation This Holiday - By Chris Gearing

Monday, December 20, 2010

Parental Alienation At The Holidays - By Chris Gearing

Friday, December 17, 2010

Parental Alienation During The Holidays - By Chris Gearing

Friday, December 17, 2010

During the holidays, millions of children from divorced families will be spending time with their parents separately. But what happens when one parent begins a systematic campaign to discredit the other parent and make their child hate their ex?

This is one of the worst developments in American families of the past 30 years. Psychologists are calling it “Parental Alienation” and it literally rips families apart. Here’s what it looks like:

Systematic Campaign of Alienation: Parental alienation is a systematic campaign of character assassination. One parent is determined to alienate the child’s affections toward the other parent or toward a grandparent. It is most prevalent in child custody cases and it is worst at the holidays as parents tend to compete for the affection of their children.

Spans the Range: Parental Alienation spans the range from outright malicious intent, legal battles and reckless accusations to careless, self serving comments that undermine the child’s view of their parent.

Emotional Abuse of Children: Parental alienation not only hurts the ex, it’s a form of emotional abuse of the child. Beyond the confusion and pain of divorce and losing a parent, children take their parent’s qualities and characteristics as their own. As one expert says, “ Bad mouth your ex and you simultaneously bad mouth your child.”

Legitimized by Self Absorbed Culture: Most divorces involve pain and suffering and parental alienation flourishes in a family culture of conflict. However, the epidemic of narcissism that has defined our country in recent years legitimizes winning at any cost. Savage and unethical behavior is justified even if it involves waging war against an innocent person.

So if parental alienation is so damaging to so many people, why would someone do it?

Revenge: There are complex reasons to explain this behavior but all explanations boil down to one principle reason -- Revenge. Some people feel pleasure from inflicting pain on people they believe have wronged them. The mind of the child becomes the battlefield for hurting their ex.

Child Is Perceived As A Possession: For some parents, adequate boundaries with their children are absent. The child is perceived as an extension of themselves. They inflict parental alienation on the other parent to banish him or her so that they can have the child to themselves.

Compensating for Inadequacy and Guilt: Parents may try to resolve their low self-esteem and sense of failure by reinforcing their belief that they are the better parent. Posturing as the superior parent makes them feel better even if it is at the expense of their child. They have no conscience about the suffering of the child or the other parent – it’s really all about themselves.

Parental alienation runs rampant at the holidays with children traveling between the homes of divorced parents. But how are children affected by parental alienation?

Brainwashed by Lies: These kids are basically brainwashed and now regard their targeted parent as the enemy or as a worthless afterthought. This kind of betrayal can poison even in the most tender and loving relationships.

Rehearsed Answers: Divorce is very scary for children. Often they feel unstable and they may be worried about the approval of the parent that they are living with. In an effort to feel safe, they orient to the controlling needs of the alienating parent at all costs. They are often unable to specify why they dislike the targeted parent or they exaggerate faults of the parent to justify their rejection. Their comments parrot the alienator’s words and feelings.

Long Term Damage: There is minimal data on the long-term effects of such alienation on kids. However, we do know that the earlier the separation from a parent, the more traumatic it is for the child. The basic tenants of loving relationships—trust, loyalty, and forgiveness--are never learned and the child may struggle for a lifetime because of these experiences.

Now, if you or someone you know is the victim of parental alienation – here’s what you can do to protect yourself and reclaim the love of your child:

Remain Calm: Understand that you have been systematically undermined and that you are taking every step to remediate the situation. Focus on what you can control and don’t stress about other factors. Do not lose your temper, reject your child or insult your ex in front of your child.

Educate Yourself: Parental alienation can be an elusive phenomenon to prove especially in a highly intense forum such as child custody. There are several books with great resources that are “must reads” for parents. Please see the sources for this story for some suggestions.

Work with Great Experts: Hire a psychologist and a lawyer who are proven experts in parental alienation. The therapist must acknowledge the massive psychological impact such alienation has on the child and the targeted parent. Your attorney needs to possess a solid understanding of this type of emotional abuse and they must have the substantial legal skills to protect your child and your interests.

It won’t be easy – but with a great deal of patience, help, and prayer, you can protect yourself and your child from the devastating effects of parental alienation.

Resources:

"Divorce Poison," Dr. Richard Warshak

"The Custody Revolution" by Dr. Richard Warshak

"Divorce Casualties: Understanding Parental Alienation," Dr. Douglas Darnall

How To Buy Gifts For The Ones You Love - By Chris Gearing

Thursday, December 16, 2010

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