Therapy That Works...

Why Women Commit Domestic Violence - By Chris Gearing

Monday, April 18, 2011

How To Prevent Female Committed Domestic Violence - By Chris Gearing

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Dangers of Texting In A New Relationship - By Chris Gearing

Friday, April 08, 2011

Sex Comes Faster For Couples Who Text - By Chris Gearing

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Is There Really A Seven Year Itch? - By Chris Gearing

Monday, April 04, 2011

Why People Lose Interest After Getting Married - By Chris Gearing

Friday, April 01, 2011

Relationship Violence In Females - By Chris Gearing

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Most of us tend to think of domestic violence as solely a male crime. However, while women are much more likely to be the victim in any type of domestic violence or abuse, there are a growing number of cases in which the woman physically attacks the man.

Usually there has been an argument, tempers flare, and pushing and shoving occur. Then the woman strikes out against the man. Three factors can increase the likelihood of such behaviors—substance abuse, fatigue, or the discovery of either marital or financial infidelity.

Most men do not reach out for help since there is enormous shame associated with being the recipient of bullying or physical violence at the hands of a woman. Many men would rather suffer in silence than admit that the woman they are in a relationship with has hit or even injured them. Men struggle with shame mightily in our society anyway so their reluctance is understandable.

Remember the Tiger Woods incident in which his now ex wife engaged in physical violence? He did everything he could to avoid revealing there had been any domestic violence.

So why would a woman resort to violence?

There are four primary psychological reasons:

Antisocial Personality Disorder: Coercion and physical bullying are techniques that are readily employed when you lack a conscience. Women who are violent outside the relationship are much more likely to use violence to get their way or to punish their partner.

Mood Disorders: Women with high levels of anxiety, depression and other mental health problems are much likely to use physical force. Women with anger management issues are often depressed and are irritable and irrational as a result.

The Last Straw: Some women have no history of violence and strike out because of a sudden shock, such as the discovery of infidelity. Their loss of control is temporary and is usually followed by great remorse.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: In cases in which she has been deeply traumatized in the cases of rape or past physical violence, the woman may overreact to the current stressors with violence.

In addition, family background can greatly contribute to the woman’s tendency to use violence in a relationship:

Bullying in the Family of Origin: Emotional or Physical Violence was Permitted or Even Encouraged. She grew up seeing violence replacing words as a way of resolving conflict and began to act out these patterns in her relationships.

Over Indulgent Parents: Many women are reared in narcissistic homes that have reinforced and arrogant and entitled view of the world. Sooner or later, there are inevitable frustrations and these women lash out physically when their emotions override their better judgment.

Abuse and Neglect: In some families the child is the direct recipient of parental or even sibling violence that is abusive and deeply hurtful. Other families neglect the child resulting in an adult who has no idea how to self regulate her emotions. Anger comes out of a world view of victimization and resentment.

Men, if you or someone you know is the victim of violence -- remember this advice:

Violence Escalates: Violence in a relationship is never a legitimate way of handling strong negative emotions. It is never justified and it is always wrong. A "little push" can become a swinging fist or a weapon aggressively wielded. Remember that once violence happens once or twice, the likelihood of its reoccurrence is exponential. It is also a progressive issue and escalates when there is no enforceable accountability.

Break The Cycle: If you are the victim of female relationship violence, make it perfectly clear that you are unwilling to participate in this cycle any longer. Reach out to the professional community—your spiritual leader, psychologist, or family physician are all excellent resources for getting help.

Hold Them Accountable: Insist that the abuser is accountable and that you are no longer going to be the recipient of this cruelty. If she refuses to get help, make a plan to leave and follow through.

How To Keep Your Marriage From Becoming Predictable - By Chris Gearing

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Watch Dr. Sylvia Gearing on CBS 11 discussing how to keep your marriage from becoming predictable.

Click here.

Why People Lose Interest After Getting Married - By Chris Gearing

Monday, March 14, 2011

Marriage is a union most of us enter into with the best of intentions. But despite our best efforts, many of us lose interest in our spouse and the marriage can become boring and predictable.

So, why do so many marital partners lose interest in their spouses?

The Cuddle Chemical: You may have a chemical problem since we know that spouses who have been together for some time decrease their production of those hormones that stir passion and desire. Instead, your brain begins to produce more oxytocin, which is called the companionable, or cuddle chemical.

Separate Worlds: Many of us live in separate worlds that rarely intersect. We begin to redefine how we think of our partner—she becomes someone you pay bills with, mow the lawn with and the person you execute all the other mundane tasks of life with. You no longer think of your spouse as the one person who “gets you. ”

Arguments that Go Nowhere: The lack of conflict resolution drives many people away from the marriage into disinterest and disconnection. If you can’t repair arguments and you can’t build consensus, you’re left with one thing—isolation. Negativity tends to envelope the marriage. Chronic helplessness begins to define how you think about the relationship and you become indifferent and even bored with your partner.

A Lack of Emotional Skills: A lot of people lack fundamental skills in handling emotions—they don’t recognize feelings in themselves or their spouse, they don’t know how to reach out to their partner or even how to calm down when they’re angry or disappointed. As a result, their spouse feels lonely, frustrated and misunderstood.

Does physical intimacy have anything to do with partners becoming dissatisfied in the marriage?

We know that while sex is important to a marriage, it is not nearly as important as many people think. The real issue is how each partner thinks about the physical intimacy-- whether they are feeling rejected or desired and whether they feel that their partner understands their needs and is willing to compromise. Happy couples create an intimacy life that works for each person—in terms of intensity, style and frequency.

We've all heard of it -- but is there really a seven-year itch?

There absolutely is a seven-year itch but it is more likely to begin in the fifth year of marriage. By then, the couple should have figured out how to be married--how to handle money, in-laws, sex etc. If you haven’t figured things out, you’re much more likely to be fighting about it at the five year mark and then divorcing at the seven year mark. Remember that after the birth of the first baby, marital satisfaction drops significantly for 2/3 of the couples. If you never resolve those problems and remain married, after twenty years your marriage will most likely be characterized by a chronic lack of intimacy and closeness that causes the marriage to erode and then end suddenly.

If you're worried, here are some suggestions to help you recover that lovin' feeling

See Your Friends: One of the best tips I can give couples is to spend a lot of time with some really good friends. A recent study shows that dating couples who hang out with great couple friends who are happily married wind up feeling closer to each other.

Use What Worked Before: Review what activities brought you together in the first place and recreate them. Return to the music, the movies and even the food that you enjoyed as you courted each other.

Seek Adventures Together: Shake things up by exploring the world together, learning new skills and traveling. The endorphins your brain creates when you’re having fun enhances attraction.

Watch Your Tone: How you say something matters as much as what you say. Watch your tone and always try to “volley” back when he tries to engage you. An enthusiastic, warm reply is so much better than a clipped, matter of fact "hi" or “you again!”

Touch Often and Well: Touch has been called the mother of the senses. Reigniting passion relies heavily on touch. Human skin is incredibly sensitive so even the slightest grazing of the skin has a seductive effect.

Avoid Negativity: Time together is sacred so avoid dwelling on angry thoughts, past arguments or excessive worrying when you’re together. Nothing is worse than being with someone who is complaining or obsessing.

Sex Comes Faster For Couples Who Text - By Chris Gearing

Monday, February 21, 2011

Technology seems to be redefining how couples get together. A survey released last week suggests that new couples get intimate faster because of e-mails, texts and other high-tech ways to communicate.

Here are three reasons why technology has such an influence:

Men Love Flirting: Men find flirtatious women irresistible and will often choose a highly flirtatious woman over a more physically attractive woman. Men really love a woman who can handle herself in a conversation whether it’s digitally communicated or face-to-face. Fifty eight percent of men said flirting on Facebook, G-chat and texting helped them become intimate sooner.

Women Love to Feel Connected: Texting keeps a woman feeling constantly connected which is the elixir of love for women. Nearly 80 percent of texting women said their relationships lead to sex more quickly because it was so easy for them to stay connected to their beaus. Texting provides the attention, the emotional familiarity and the sense of interest that women need to feel before they are physically intimate.

Texting Feeds Desire: The bottom line is that texting is the modern form of sexual seduction. Texting feeds the desire necessary for sexual interest and builds the intrigue. You have more opportunities to be humorous, less inhibited and spontaneous. People will say things in a text that they would never have the courage to say in person.

So does texting build a false sense of intimacy?

Absolutely it does since there is no way you can build an emotionally intimate relationship without putting in the “face time.” Chatting with someone through a text relationship keeps things superficial and fun, but such activities only provide an artificial sense of intimacy. Real relationships require real time contact. There is no substitute for being with someone in person—seeing, hearing, touching, even dancing with the person--that gives you a comprehensive and accurate view of who the other person really is. More to the point, you need to experience how you feel being with them in person to see if they relationship has a future.

Now could texting actually lead us to make a bad choice in a new relationship?

Deliberate Misrepresentation: You can get yourself in serious trouble if you over rely on technology since it allows people to misrepresent themselves. The person looks more clever, more patient and more honest then they really might be. They control the content and the flow of the conversation, which plays to the advantage of highly manipulative people.

Fantasy Relationships: In some cases, there can be outright harm to people who get involved too quickly with someone who they really don’t know. Some text-based relationships are entirely invented or highly spun. To become sexually intimate with someone who is really misleading you is devastating psychologically.

Staying Power of Love: There is a cardinal rule in new relationships—falling in love requires repeated face-to-face encounters. You must see each other routinely to become really invested. There is no substitute for the art of flirtation—the arch of an eyebrow or the wind in his hair. Having fun together, sharing experiences, and even facing adversity build a solid sense of commitment and undying loyalty. We find that these text-based relationships explode in passion but lack the staying power for long-term love.

So how can you use technology safely in a new relationship?

Don’t Substitute Technology for True Intimacy: Do not substitute technology for a real relationship since you can get burned easily. Remember that texting is a preview of seduction and foreplay but it is not a replacement for “in person” seduction and foreplay that is part of the relationship dance.

Slow Down: Make sure that you keep your own feelings under control when you are flirting via text. Don’t confuse arousal with real relating. Too many people jump in without knowing where they are going. Slow down and date for a while before you commit your heart.

Source: The Denver Post


Recent Posts


Tags


Archive