Therapy That Works...

Teens Who Murder - By Chris Gearing

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Teens Who Murder

CBS 11 News

by Dr. Sylvia Gearing

This summer has seen a rash of parents murdering their children. However, a new demographic is on the rise - children and teens who kill their parents.

But is this common?

Teens tend to kill other teens. Homicide is the leading cause of death for young people ages 10 to 24 overall, and the leading cause of death for African American teens. Eighty five percent of murdered teens are male and most were involved in some sort of physical fight that led to murder. Males are 400% more likely to be murdered than females.

Homicides are highly predictable if we pay attention to what we are observing. Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to learning to prevent violence.

Here are the warning signs in teens:

  • Lack of Conscience
  • Angry Outbursts
  • History of Oppositional Behaviors
  • Actual Threats—written, spoken
  • Past Acts of violence
  • Access to Weapons
  • Past Suicide Attempts
  • Family History of Violence or Bullying
  • Cruelty to animals

But what pushes a teen over the edge into homicide?

A person arrives at a tipping point and decides to act violently when four conditions are met:

  • They feel justified
  • They perceive few or no alternatives
  • They believe that the consequences will be favorable
  • They believe that they have the ability to succeed

Do peers have any influence on a child's decision to murder?

Sinister Looks:

The withdrawal, the surly attitude, the overreactions about normal issues, the dark and sinister looks are all indications that something is terribly wrong with the teen.

Generation Me:

The child who is grandiose, self centered, exhibitionistic, entitled, shameless, arrogant and defiant may also feel justified in turning to violence if it suits his purpose.

No Conscience:

The sociopathic child who delights in the pain and suffering of others, who has no moral compass, who is paranoid and fearful of others, who is vengeful if slighted is a prime candidate for becoming homicidal and for taking your child with him.

Parents, here's how to know if your child is in trouble:

The worst mistake parents make is to ignore what they are seeing right in front of them. Intuition is our warning system built into our brains specially developed to allow us to predict violence and to avoid it.

Here are the signs of intuition:

  • Nagging Feelings and Persistent Thoughts
  • Black Humor—Jokes such as “He’s just going to shoot us all!”
  • Hunches and Gut Feelings
  • Hesitation and Suspicion
  • Uncontrollable Fear

Stop Denying:

Many adults prefer to view violence as a normal “rite of passage” through childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth. Please educate yourself about this pattern of trauma and train yourself to recognize it when you see it.

Bystanders Are Key:

Research now argues that the bystanders of potential violence are one of the vital keys to decreasing this growing problem with teen violence. Speak up, speak out and get your teen the professional help to evaluate his potential for violence. You may save his life and the lives of those you love.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments below!

Source:

"The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker (GET THIS BOOK!)

Bullying and Suicide - By Chris Gearing

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Bullying and Suicide

Dr. Sylvia Gearing

Channel 11/TXA 21, March 31, 2010

A teenager in Joshua, TX committed suicide over the weekend after many years of bullying by peers. Thirteen-year-old Jon Carmichael reportedly took his own life due to a longstanding pattern of being bullied by classmates leaving North Texans asking how this could happen.

Here are the specifics of bullying:

Bullying is most definitely increasing with up to 30% of students reporting that they are involved with bullying in some way (either as the bully, the victim or bystander). As we see in this tragedy, the devastating consequences of bullying can be deadly. In addition, two out of three school shooters report being chronically bullied in school.

Here are the characteristics of bullying:

Intentional Harm: Bullying in childhood is an aggressive form of intimidation that marginalizes the best of children while deeply scarring them psychologically. It is a repeated attempt to harm and to emphasize a humiliating imbalance of power and influence.

Bullying Begins Early: Research reports that almost 34% of students that reported being frequently bullied were in elementary school.

Middle School Peaks: Bullying increases during transition periods such as moving from elementary to middle school.

Group Bullying: Bullying is usually a group activity. Studies show that a single child does not usually victimize kids. Bullying involves both active and passive participation by a group. The kids adopt a mob mentality as they team together to ridicule or emotionally torture another child.

The question everyone is asking is why a child would begin bullying others in the first place:

Modeling their Parents: They are often victims of physical and emotional bullying at home and have parents who have problems with anger and self control. They identify with the aggressor and inflict pain to establish internal self-control.

Intimidation and Revenge Justified by Parents: Parents who lack a moral compass and inflict pain deliberately on others in any way (including bullying in business, in social settings, at the mall, etc.) are more likely to have children who view bullying as a justified behavior. Family values that include rudeness, intimidation of others, revenge, character assault of others or deliberate treachery create children who are much more likely to engage in bullying.

Self-Centered Kids: Lots of kids have difficult parents and don’t go out in the world hurting others. Many bullies are choosing their heinous behavior out of their own self-centeredness and delight in hurting others. They literally lack a conscience and are in deep psychological trouble.

Bullies Know Difference Between Right and Wrong: The research about bullies reveals that most of the time they know exactly what they are doing. They understand the differences between right and wrong and commit the act anyway. They will lie, cheat and steal to avoid punishment and are deceptive with others. Although some studies suggest that around 40% of them have some mild empathy, another 40% are indifferent to the suffering of their victims and 20% actively enjoy the intimidation and control.

Now we are seeing a new trend with the advent of social media and the age of the internet: cyber bullying.

Anonymous Bullies: The common denominator of all bullying is the intentional act to inflict pain on another person. Unfortunately, the anonymity of the Internet is ideal for such vicious behavior. According to the Pew Internet and American Life Project in 2006, one third of students are targets at some point.

Cyber Bullying Turns Dangerous: Most of the time, cyber bullying involves gossip and rude comments that do not express direct intent to harm. Around 50% of online bullies report that they inflict such cruelty “for fun” and to “teach the target a lesson.” However, a study published in 2006 reported that 12% of teens were physically threatened online and 5% actually feared for their physical safety.

What about the long-term effects of bullying?

All Kids Are Harmed by Bullying: The long-term effects of bullying for each participant can be severe with protracted trauma, depression and resentment stretching into the adult years.

Three Victims: Words are weapons and psychological harm can be as severe or worse than physical wounds. Bullying involves three victims—the bully, the recipient of the bullying and the witnesses to such cruelty.

The Victim, The Bully and The Bystander:

Victims Develop Serious Depression and Helplessness: Victims report more internal problems such as depression and anxiety. Researchers at the Yale School of Medicine found a significant connection between bullying, being bullied and suicide in a review of 37 studies from 13 countries. Bullying victims were much more likely to think about suicide.

Bullies and a Lifelong Pattern of Oppositional Behavior: Bullies have more conduct problems, anger and develop alienation from school and the community. Chronic oppositional behavior is typical of such children leading to a lifetime of hardship.

Bystanders Grow Apathetic and Uncaring: Witnesses become desensitized to the suffering of others and do not take responsibility for allowing such cruelty to occur.

Parents, here’s what you can do about bullying:

Stop Denying: Many adults prefer to view bullying as a normal “rite of passage” through childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth. Please educate yourself about this pattern of trauma and train yourself to recognize it when you see it.

Bystanders Are Key: Research now argues that the bystanders of bullying are one of the vital keys to decreasing this growing problem. Teaching non-bullied kids to speak up, to refuse to be an audience, to label bullying publicly and to go and get help when the situation is out of control are essential steps for parents and teachers.

Believe Your Child’s Perception: Believe your child about bullying. Do not dismiss his perceptions. Adults lose credibility quickly when the child’s perception is rejected or minimized. There are millions of victims who no longer believe that adults are going to protect them and they suffer in silence.

Move from Victim to Survivor: Victims are renowned for responding ineffectively through withdrawal, denial, silence and passivity. Such behaviors “feed” the bully’s control. We need to develop the victim’s talents, social skills, physical coordination and assertive abilities. He needs to be reassured that adults will take his complaints seriously and that he must report harassment. These are teachable skills and they increase self-confidence exponentially.

For More information about Dr. Sylvia, please go to www.gearingup.com

Sources:

American Academy of Pediatrics

Bullying and Teasing: Social Power in Children’s Groups, Gayle Macklem, Kluwer Academic/ Plenum Publishers, New York, 2003.

Cowie and Wallace (2006)

Patchin, J.W., and Hinduja, S (2006) Bullies move beyond the schoolyard: A preliminary look at cyber bullying. Youth Violence and Juvenile Justice, 4, 148-169.

Swearer, S., Espeleage, D. Napolitano, S. Bullying: Prevention and Intervention, 2009

Vossekuil, B., Fein, R.A., Reddy, M., Borum, R and Modzeleski, W (2002) The final report and findings of the safe school initiative: Implications for the prevention of school attacks in the United States. Washington, D.C: U.S. Secret Services and U.S. Department of Education

Suicide and Children - By Chris Gearing

Friday, January 22, 2010

Suicide and Children

Dr. Sylvia Gearing

January 22, 2010, TXA 21 News

Today’s story about the apparent suicide of a nine-year-old Colony boy has once again raised the issue of depression and suicide in children.

Why do children kill themselves?

Suicides of Children Are Increasing: Although childhood suicide is relatively rare, it is increasing. For children under age 15, about 1-2 kids out of 100,000 will commit suicide. For kids between 15-19, the rate jumps to 11 out of 100,000.

Fourth Leading Cause of Death: Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10-14 and the third leading cause of death for teenagers between 15-19.

Values Change: In general, our society is more narcissistic and more callous toward individual concerns. Troubled children are often overlooked in a society concerned with achievement, a struggling economy and overworked parents. The child in a family with busy, overworked parents is often marginalized and neglected. Depression flourishes in such situations and the child gives up all hope.

Here’s what makes a child more likely to commit suicide:

Depression is Epidemic: If a child has clinical depression, he is seven times more likely to try suicide. Depression is at epidemic levels now and strikes a full decade sooner than it did a generation ago. Severe depression recurs in about half of those who have had it once and since it strikes so early in life, there are higher rates of reoccurance.

Motivations for Suicide are Complex: The motivations for either attempting or completing suicide are complex but the main motivations include a desire to escape depression and hopelessness, debilitating anxiety or a situation they regard as being hopeless such as being bullied or abused. The older the child is, the more likely it is that the suicide is connected to interpersonal conflicts.

But do bullied kids have higher rates of depression?

Increased Suicidal Ideation: Bullied kids have a much higher rate of depression and the effects linger into adulthood. Bullying victims are much more likely to think about suicide. Researchers at the Yale School of Medicine found a significant connection between bullying, being bullied and suicide in a review of 37 studies from 13 countries. We know that 34% of elementary students are bullied and that bullying peaks in middle school. It is a group activity with a mob mentality that is crushing to kids who are victimized.

You may be wondering what happens to kids psychologically who are bullied or who bully others?

Three Victims: Words are weapons and psychological harm is as severe as a broken bone. Victims report more internal problems such as depression and anxiety. However, research reveals that the act of bullying actually claims three victims—the bully, the recipient of the bullying and the witnesses. Bullies have more conduct problems, anger and alienation from school and the community. We find that witnesses become desensitized to the suffering of others and allow it to happen without a second thought. The long-term effects of bullying for all groups can be severe with protracted trauma, depression and resentment stretching into the adult years.

What happens to the parents who lose their children through suicide?

This kind of loss is emotionally “disfiguring.” They will most certainly experience a post traumatic stress disorder that will need to be treated. When a child dies, the trauma lingers for years and de-regulates the parents’ emotional and cognitive functioning. Traumatic bereavement includes guilt, devastating depression and a lingering sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Here’s what you can do about bullying:

Stop Denying: Many adults prefer to view bullying as a normal “rite of passage” through childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth. There are millions of victims who no longer believe that adults are going to protect them and they suffer in silence. This can lead to tragic consequences in the future.

Bystanders Are Key: Research now argues that the bystanders of bullying are one of the vital keys to decreasing this growing problem. Teaching non-bullied kids to speak up, to refuse to be an audience, to label bullying publicly and to go and get help when the situation is out of control are essential to stop bullies for good.

Empower the Victims: Believe your child about bullying. Victims are renowned for responding ineffectively through withdrawal, denial, silence and passivity. Such behaviors “feed” the bully’s control. We need to develop the victim’s talents, social skills, physical coordination and assertive abilities. He needs to be reassured that adults will take his complaints seriously and that he must report harassment. These are teachable skills and they increase self-confidence exponentially.

Educate yourself about the signs of depression:

  • Talking About Dying: Any mention of dying, disappearing, jumping, shooting oneself or other types of self-harm
  • Recent Loss: The loss of someone through death, divorce, separation, broken relationship, self confidence, self esteem, loss of interest in friends, hobbies, activities previously enjoyed.
  • Change in Personality—sad, withdrawn, anxious, tired, indecisive, apathetic
  • Change in Behavior: Cannot concentrate on school, work, routine tasks
  • Change in Eating Habits: Loss of appetite and weight, or overeating
  • Fear of losing control: Acting erratically, harming self or others
  • Low self esteem: feelings of worthlessness, shame, overwhelming guilt , self hatred, “everyone would be better without me.”
  • No hope for the future: Believing that things will never get better, that nothing will ever change.

For more information about Dr. Sylvia please go to www.gearingup.com

Sources:

"The Optimistic Child" by Dr. Martin Seligman

American Academy of Pediatrics

The American Psychological Association

The National Association of School Counselors

American Association of Suicidology

Bullying - By Chris Gearing

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Bullying: The Devastating Effects on Children and Teens

September 3, 2009

Dr. Sylvia Gearing, TXA 21 News

Bullying has become a serious mental health issue for millions of American families with up to 30% of students reporting their involvement in bullying as either the bully, the victim or bystander. The devastating consequences of bullying can be deadly with 2/3 of school shooters report being chronically bullied in school.

Here are the specific characteristics of bullying:

  • Intentional Harm: Bullying in childhood is an aggressive form of intimidation that marginalizes the best of children while deeply scarring them psychologically. It is a repeated attempt to harm and to emphasize a humiliating imbalance of power and influence.
  • Bullying Begins Early: Research reports that almost 34% of elementary school students reported being frequently bullied at school.
  • Middle School Peaks: Bullying increases during transition periods such as moving from elementary to middle school. This behavior peaks in middle school.
  • Group Bullying: Bullying is usually a group activity. Studies show that a single child does not usually victimize kids. Bullying involves both active and passive participation by a group. The kids adopt a mob mentality as they team together to ridicule or emotionally torture another child.

You may wonder why a child would bully their peers. Here’s what the newest research tell us:

Self-Centeredness: They are often victims of bullying at home and have parents who have problems with anger. They identify with the aggressor and inflict pain to establish internal self-control. However, lots of kids have difficult parents and don’t go out in the world hurting others. Bullies are choosing their heinous behavior out of their own self-centeredness and pain. These kids are in deep psychological trouble.

Bullies Know Difference Between Right and Wrong: The research about these kids suggests that most of the time they know exactly what they are doing. They understand the differences between right and wrong and commit the act anyway. They will lie, steal and cheat to avoid punishment and are sneaky around others. Although some studies suggest that around 40% of them have some mild empathy, another 40% are indifferent to the suffering of their victims and 20% actively enjoy the intimidation and control.

Websites like “Juicy Campus” and TV shows such as “Gossip Girl” have begun to shed light on a terrible new trend in bullying – cyber bullying.

Anonymous Bullies: The common denominator of all bullying is the intentional act to inflict pain on another person. Unfortunately, the anonymity of the Internet is ideal for such vicious behavior. According to the Pew Internet and American Life Project in 2006, one third of students are targets at some point.

Cyber Bullying Turns Dangerous: Most of the time, cyber bullying involves gossip and rude comments that do not express direct intent to harm. Around 50% of online bullies report that they inflict such cruelty “for fun” and to “teach the target a lesson.” However, a study published in 2006 reported that 12% of teens were physically threatened online and 5% actually feared for their physical safety.

Bullying can have terrible, long-term effects on children that can last a lifetime.

Three Victims: Words are weapons and psychological harm is as severe as a broken bone. Bullying involves three victims—the bully, the recipient of the bullying and the witnesses to such cruelty. Victims report more internal problems such as depression and anxiety while bullies have more conduct problems, anger and alienation from school and the community. Witnesses become desensitized to the suffering of others. The long-term effects of bullying for all groups can be severe with protracted trauma, depression and resentment stretching into the adult years.

Increased Suicidal Ideation: Researchers at the Yale School of Medicine found a significant connection between bullying, being bullied and suicide in a review of 37 studies from 13 countries. Bullying victims were much more likely to think about suicide.

Parents — if you are concerned, here’s what you can do:

  • Stop Denying: Many adults prefer to view bullying as a normal “rite of passage” through childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth. There are millions of victims who no longer believe that adults are going to protect them and they suffer in silence.
  • Bystanders Are Key: Research now argues that the bystanders of bullying are one of the vital keys to decreasing this growing problem. Teaching non-bullied kids to speak up, to refuse to be an audience, to label bullying publicly and to go and get help when the situation is out of control are essential steps for parents and teachers.
  • Empower the Victims: Believe your child about bullying. Victims are renowned for responding ineffectively through withdrawal, denial, silence and passivity. Such behaviors “feed” the bully’s control. We need to develop the victim’s talents, social skills, physical coordination and assertive abilities. He needs to be reassured that adults will take his complaints seriously and that he must report harassment. These are teachable skills and they increase self-confidence exponentially.

Sources:

American Academy of Pediatrics

Bullying and Teasing: Social Power in Children’s Groups, Gayle Macklem, Kluwer Academic/ Plenum Publishers, New York, 2003.

Cowie and Wallace (2006)

Patchin, J.W., and Hinduja, S (2006) Bullies move beyond the schoolyard: A preliminary look at cyber bullying. Youth Violence and Juvenile Justice, 4, 148-169.

Swearer, S., Espeleage, D. Napolitano,S. Bullying: Prevention and Intervention, 2009

Vossekuil, B., Fein, R.A., Reddy, M., Borum, R and Modzeleski, W (2002) The final report and findings of the safe school initiative: Implications for the prevention of school attacks in the United States. Washington, D.C: U.S. Secret Services and U.S. Department of Education.

Why Women Judge Other Women - By Chris Gearing

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Why Women Judge Other Women

June 4, 2009

Dr. Sylvia Gearing, TXA 21 News

Women have turned to one another throughout the ages for support, advice and information. But what happens when women turn on one another?

Women judge one another for the following reasons:

  • Love to Complain: Women love to complain and gossip to each other. In fact, most of us are in constant touch with our closest confidantes, and we love to lament about our latest frustration or irritation. At some point the conversation can turn ugly. We stop talking “about” someone and begin talking “against” them.
  • Confused and Threatened: We move to judgment when we are confused, offended or threatened. Many women do not like the “grays” of life, preferring to “niche” others in negative categories.
  • Self-Absorbed Women: Some women are so self-centered that any woman of achievement is a potential adversary. They do not want another woman to steal their thunder. They are naturally competitive and stab other women in the back routinely just to “stay even.”
  • Grudge Holders: We are chronic grudge-holders due to the fact that we have twice the brain space for emotional memory compared to men. As a result, if you slight a woman once, you may make an enemy for life.

Unfortunately, the presence of men can make women more critical of other women. In male-dominated situations in the workplace or social setting, women show an innate tendency to turn on one another. When guys hold the power and there are few women with authority, women can get much more nasty. We are as competitive as men but mainly compete with one another when our power is limited.

When women achieve power, many of us tend to hoard it and fail to mentor the very women behind us who will inherit our influence and skills. As a result, the entire gender is undermined. We must pull together rather than apart.

Friendships are often challenged when a woman succeeds. Jealousy and dissension may thrive when one woman excels beyond the other.

Similarity is the common denominator of female relationships. Girls at young ages don’t give orders but emphasize connection, sameness and interdependence. When women ascend in power, they differentiate themselves from the female community by holding that power. Similarity is decreased. With some women, such accomplishments are threatening, and they label the achieving female as overly confident, conniving or even conceited. Gossiping in female social communities is a primary way to undercut a woman who has achieved. Friendships often wither quickly.

There are specific types of female conversations that evoke this type of female against female criticism.

There are four broad categories:

  • Tracking the Competition: Women use gossip to keep track of other women, especially when they are competing with them. Sharing information about “when, where and whys” assures them that they can triumph over the other woman.
  • Criticize Her Love Life: Women love to complain endlessly about the men in their lives, but they delight even more in complaining about other women and their love lives.
  • Female Scapegoats: Women turn to others during times of stress, but sometimes the conversation turns nasty. Many times women begin to scapegoat another female as a solution to a problem. We “throw her under the bus” to alleviate our own frustration. Sharing a common view even if it is negative is soothing and bonds women to one another.

Women can do a great deal to support one another and to strengthen the “girl team.”

There are infinite ways that women can support each other, but here are some important tips:

  • Be a Mentor: If you see another woman who needs some guidance, coach her on how to navigate to better solutions.
  • Discover and Share Information: Use what we do best—share important information. Knowledge is power, so share the wealth with other sisters.
  • Hold Your Tongue: Don’t “take another woman out” over trivial annoyances. Especially in the workplace, you must present a united front. Thousands of flourishing female careers can be sabotaged by gossip. “Loose Lips sink careers!”
  • Weave a Female Web: Female groups are enhancing of our best attributes, including empathy, understanding and integrity. Connecting with other women is not only good for your mind but is great for your heart.

Sources include:

Deborah Tannen’s "You Just Don’t Understand"

Gail Evans’ "She Wins, You Win"


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