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The Allure of Bad Boys - By Chris Gearing

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

You can watch Dr. Sylvia's story on CBS 11 by clicking here.

A new study reports that women find happy guys significantly less attractive than those silent, swaggering types of men.

So, why do women find those bad boys so attractive?

Their lack of availability is intoxicating for women. Men who are a bit arrogant, mysterious and brooding invite our interest. These guys tend to be more impulsive and adventuresome. They love danger and are a bit edgy and rebellious. Because of these traits, we have more fun with them and that fun increases our dopamine, that wonderful brain hormone of infatuation. We find them attractive until they’ve broken our hearts or left us in the dust.

Here's what bad boys look like:

Personality of Extremes: These guys have a lot of great personality characteristics that make them even more enticing. They are often very handsome, self confident, creative, high energy and adorable. The down side is that they can be self-obsessed and self-interested.

Vigilant Observers: They are often very adept at reading women and pick up on those nuances and micro-expressions that make us feel so understood.

Dark Triad: The down side is that these men can be extremely emotionally dangerous for women. They can be narcissistic, thrill seeking and deceitful.

Cannot Commit: Perhaps one of the most significant aspects of the bad boys is their inability to settle down. Women love to prove how special they are by reforming men who don’t want to be reformed. My advice is not to get involved with someone so deeply self-centered.

So, why do women keep going after them even when they’ve had bad experiences?

There is a basic failure to learn. There are four types of women who prefer bad boys:

Insecure Women who doubt their attractiveness and are looking for emotional shelter.

Thrill Seeking Women Who are “bad girls.”

Women who have problems with emotional intimacy and would find the stable relationship suffocating, if not terrifying.

Naïve Women: Most of us have endured the roller coaster of the bad boys during our dating life. They just make us appreciate the nice guys we end up marrying.

So, why don’t women find nice guys more interesting?

Nice guys may finish last in the first date department but they definitely tend to win the marriage race. When women are dating, the characteristics that make the nice guy so wonderful—smiling, empathic conversations, loyalty, calling when he says he will, etc—don’t seem as exciting as the guy on the motorcycle who ignores you. However, once you’ve been hurt, and hurt badly, you are more likely to seek out nicer guys who have staying power.

Now here's what you can do to break the cycle of being attracted to men who are bad for you (or someone you know):

You have to consider how you want your life to go. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who cannot be in the relationship with you since he is so self-centered or do you want a partner who will take a bullet for you?

Work on appreciating the nice guy you are with by focusing on these characteristics:

Good Sense of Humor: Focus on his sense of humor. Men like women who laugh at their jokes while women prefer men who make them laugh. Laughing together is rapport building and one of the ways to increase attraction.

Differentiate Between Self Confidence and Conceit: A guy who knows what he is doing, is commanding with others, is poised and decisive are incredible attributes for attraction. But he shouldn’t cross the line into cockiness. Self-confidence is different since it doesn’t include achieving the goal at other people’s expense.

Character and Emotional Intelligence: The presence of integrity, loyalty and honesty are unbeatable combinations in a man. We love to be understood and having an emotionally self-aware guy is a huge allure. Knowing that he has our back is a great way of going to sleep every night.

The Allure of Bad Boys - By Chris Gearing

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Watch Dr. Sylvia Gearing describe why bad boys are so tempting and how to know if you're bad boy has a heart of gold - click here.

It’s a question as old as time. Why are bad boys so irresistible?

This kind of situation can be a parent’s worst nightmare – even if they don’t own a motorcycle. So, why are bad boys so attractive?

Viewed from afar, these guys can seem very attractive. They are often glamorous, soulful, artistic, romantic, and they ooze self-confidence. He’s spontaneous, lives for today, and is full of adventure. Unfortunately, most bad boys see you or your child as the next target. They are often hoping to use you today and be gone tomorrow.

But it’s not all bad. There are some good men in bad boy packages. Think of Johnny Cash, Brad Pitt, Jay-Z, or David Beckham. They were wild when they were younger, but they became dedicated husbands and fathers down the road.

Here are some signs that you may have landed a keeper in a leather jacket:

Live By A Code:

If your bad boy is controlling or regularly cheats, he’s a poor bet for a sudden reform. However, if he is conscientious, values family and other people around him, and genuinely cherishes you or your child, you might give him some time. He may just be growing up.

Longer To Mature:

Recent research found that the male brain doesn’t fully mature until men are forty-three years old. That’s eleven years more than their female counterparts! Again, try to cut him some slack. See if he is willing to meet you in the middle and act like an adult.

Watch For Warnings:

Always be aware of the warning signs that it may be time to leave. Men who use intimidation or violence to get what they want usually end up turning on you at some point. When they start trying to frame the world as “us against them,” that’s a red flag that they may want you to be dependent on them. Also, don’t let them radically change your life. If it’s meant to be, they love you for who you are today and they don’t need you to change.

Source:

"The Primal Teen" by Barbara Strauch


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