Therapy That Works...

Dr Sylvia on CareerBuilder.com - By Chris Gearing

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Dr Sylvia Gearing was quoted in an article on MSN's CareerBuilder.com!

Check it out here:

http://msn.careerbuilder.com/Article/MSN-2418-Job-Search-Does-Persistence-Really-Pay/?pf=true

Does Persistence Really Pay?

By Kaitlin Madden, CareerBuilder Writer

While we can all recite quotes about how persistence is the key to success --"If at first you don't succeed ...", "Nothing good comes easy" -- they're easier said than acted upon when we feel instead like we're "banging our head against a wall" or "beating a dead horse."

The fact is many workers and job seekers struggle with persistence nowadays. It can be hard to keep going when your job search proves fruitless after months of hard work, you still haven't gotten that promotion you were hoping for or it seems like your "big break" is always just out of arms' reach. With so much time and energy put it our efforts to persist, doing so to no avail can cause us to wonder if our persistence will ever pay off.

According to Caroline Ceniza-Levine, co-founder of SixFigureStart, persistence does pay off, so long as we remember one thing about our path to achieving our goals: There is a difference between smart persistence and blind persistence.

"Persistence to a goal pays off as long as you can be flexible on how you get there," Ceniza-Levine says. "If your job search isn't yielding offers, then whatever you are doing is not working. You may have the right role and companies in mind but your marketing, your interview technique, your networking approach, or something else about how you are presenting yourself to these prospects is off. Or the prospects themselves may be wrong for you."

With that in mind, here are a few strategies for successful, smart persistence.

Pursue your goal from all angles

According to Tyler Tervooren, author of the blog "Advanced Riskology," persistence works best when there's a method to your madness.

"Persistence does pay, but only if it's persistence with a real strategy" he says. "If, in the worst economy of our time, your strategy is to send out a résumé and say 'Here, hire me please,' you're never going to get anywhere no matter how many times you do that. On the other hand, if your goal is to make enough money to support yourself and you're willing to try a bunch of different things like submitting an online résumé or portfolio, going to networking events, meeting influential people in different industries or even starting your own business, then yes, persistence pays off," he says.

To elaborate on Tervooren's example: As a job seeker your overall goal may be to find a well-paying job in your industry. You decide that you will send out 10 résumés per week until you get a job -- but after months of searching, you have yet to land a position. While your ultimate goal may be a realistic one that's well within your reach, your way of going about getting the job is unrealistic.

Instead of just sending out résumés:

Seek out new networking opportunities by joining a professional organization or volunteering in your community AND

Engage the companies you'd like to work for on Twitter and LinkedIn AND

Take a class online or at a local community college to freshen up your skill set and enhance your résumé AND

Consult a professional résumé writer to make sure you résumé is fine-tuned and captivating

"You need be willing to try any crazy idea you get to make [your goal] happen; give up on the tactics that aren't working and pour more into the ones that look more promising. Do that over and over again and you'll get what you want," Tervooren says.

Take off your blinders

While it's important to have goals, it's also important to make sure you don't get so set on one particular path that you miss out on other opportunities that may prove equally rewarding.

"You cannot get so stuck or focused on that one goal that you forget to see other opportunities that might be even better than your original goal," says Jason O'Neill, teen entrepreneur and author of "Bitten By the Business Bug." "While goals are good in theory, if someone doesn't reach their goal, they often feel like they failed. However, if they take off their blinders, keep their eyes open, they just may see some other direction they never even thought of."

Accept that waiting is part of the process

It's important to remember that your goals won't happen overnight, and that you need to maintain a positive attitude in order to persist successfully. Believing that your goals will happen in your ideal time-frame will only lead to discouragement, so be willing to wait for your reward.

"The ability to delay gratification is vital," says Dr. Sylvia Gearing, a clinical psychologist in Dallas and owner of Gearing Up Counseling Centers. "Sacrificing short-term pleasure for a long-term goal is key here. Success has everything to do with tenacity. The world is full of intelligent, talented people who never achieved anything -- simply because they gave up."

Essentially, while persistence is necessary in achieving any goal, blind persistence isn't. Pouring your time and energy into a method of achieving you goal -- when that method isn't working -- is a waste of time. Trying every avenue you can think of in order to achieve a goal, on the other hand, is when persistence really does pay.

Kaitlin Madden is a writer and blogger for CareerBuilder.com and its job blog, The Work Buzz. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues. Follow @CBForJobSeekers on Twitter.

Copyright 2010 CareerBuilder.com. All rights reserved. The information contained in this article may not be published, broadcast or otherwise distributed without prior written authority.

Story Filed Wednesday, October 06, 2010 - 11:41 AM

Stopping Self-Mutilation - By Chris Gearing

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Stopping Self-Mutilation:

What To Do About Teens Who Cut And Burn

Cutting, burning, and pinching are all ways that teenagers try to hurt themselves. A recent study found that 20% of teens have engaged in self-injury at some point in their adolescence.

But what’s the big deal?

Underlying Diagnosis: Beyond the obvious risks of serious physical injury or infection, this behavior can have devastating consequences psychologically. Self-injury is usually caused by some kind of deeper issue such as undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and extreme social isolation. In addition, teens who self-mutilate are at a much higher risk to commit suicide.

Lack of Coping: Most self-injurers report that they use it as a means to cope with negative emotions and to calm themselves down. In effect, their self-mutilation tricks the brain into releasing endorphins which numb pain and cause a sense of euphoria.

Teens hurt themselves for reasons that fit into four distinct categories:

1.) Release of tension and to stop negative feelings about themselves or others

2.) To feel, experience, and maybe even enjoy pain

3.) The classic “cry for help”

4.) To become an outsider

Here’s are some specifics ways that teens hurt themselves:

  • Cutting
  • Burning
  • Carving into their skin
  • Intentional breaking of bones
  • Sticking with pins and needles

Parents, your daughters are more likely to cut, carve, and insert pins and needles while your sons are more likely to burn and intentionally break bones.

Now, is this a passing fad or something that parents should really be worried about?

Cyclical Nature: After committing harms to themselves, self-injurers often feel shame about what they have done and fear social rejection for their scars and behavior. This in turn only reinforces whatever anxiety or depression they were feeling beforehand and can start the cycle all over again.

Consequences For Life: Around eighty percent of self-mutilators report stopping the behavior within a few years of starting it due to "growing out of it" or they sought help. However, those who report self-injury tend to report higher levels of sadness and difficulty for the rest of their lives.

If you or someone you know is engaging in self-injury, please seek professional help immediately. This is an extremely difficult thing to deal with without the help of a professional therapist.

Sources:

"The Kids Aren't All Right" by Rachael Rettner on MSNBC.com, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39100605/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/

The Effect of Parental Alienation On Children - By Chris Gearing

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Parental Alienation II:

The Effect of Parental Alienation on Children

Parental alienation—the relentless campaign of one estranged parent to destroy their child’ relationship with the other parent—is on the rise. It spans the range from careless hostile remarks to premeditated and systematic attempts to assassinate the character of the targeted parent.

If you are concerned if your child is a victim of parental alienation, be on the lookout for the following behaviors:

Brainwashed by Lies: These kids are basically brainwashed and now regard their targeted parent as the enemy or as a worthless afterthought. This kind of betrayal can occur even in the most tender and loving relationships. Tragically, I have seen such division lasting for years.

Contempt, Rejection and Disrespect: The child shows contempt, rejection, and disrespect for the targeted parent. These comments are often irrational, insulting and traumatizing to the parent who feels helpless and hopeless.

Rehearsed Answers: The child has been taught to orient to the controlling needs of the alienating parent at all costs. He is often unable to specify why he dislikes the targeted parent. In fact, he may exaggerate the faults of the parent to justify his rejection. His comments parrot the alienator’s words and feelings.

Long Term Damage: There is minimal data on the long-term effects of such alienation on kids. However, we do know that the earlier the separation from a parent, the more traumatic it is for the child. The basic tenants of loving relationships—trust, loyalty, and forgiveness are never learned and the child may struggle for a lifetime because of these experiences.

There are several steps you can take to preserve your relationship with your child:

Educate Yourself: Parental alienation can be an elusive phenomenon to prove especially in a highly intense forum such as child custody. There are several books with great resources that are “must reads” for parents (Please see the sources for this post).

Remain Calm: Understand that you have been systematically undermined and that you are taking every step to remediate the situation. Focus on what you can control and don’t stress about other factors. Do not lose your temper, reject your child or insult your ex in front of your child.

Work with Great Experts: Hire a psychologist and a lawyer who are proven experts in parental alienation. The therapist must acknowledge the massive psychological impact such alienation has on the child and targeted parent. Your attorney needs to possess a solid understanding of this type of emotional abuse and the substantial legal skills to protect your child and your interests.

Sources:

"Divorce Poison," Dr. Richard Warshak

"The Custody Revolution" by Dr. Richard Warshak

"Divorce Casualties: Understanding Parental Alienation," Dr. Douglas Darnall

Is Parental Alienation A Real Problem? - By Chris Gearing

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Parental Alienation I:

Is Parental Alienation a Real Problem?

The term parental alienation first came into the public conversation during the bitter custody struggle between actors Kim Bassinger and Alec Baldwin. This widespread phenomenon has done tremendous harm to America’s families. Now psychologists are wrestling with whether parental alienation is a classifiable mental health syndrome.

So what is parental alienation and why is it becoming such a problem for American children?

Systematic Campaign of Alienation: Parental alienation is a systematic campaign of character assassination. It is not gender related or age related. One parent is determined to permanently alienate the child’s affections toward the other parent.

Spans the Range: Parental Alienation spans the range from careless, self serving comments that undermine the child’s view of the other parent to outright malicious intent, legal battles and reckless actions.

Emotional Abuse of Children: Parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse of the child. As one expert said “ Bad mouth your ex and you simultaneously bad mouth your child.”

So why do parents set out the ruin the relationship of their ex with the child?

Revenge: Getting back and getting even is the number one reason parents assault their ex’s. Rebuffed or disappointed spouses get enormous secondary gain from inflicting pain on a spouse they believe has wronged them.

Child is Perceived as a Possession: For some parents, adequate boundaries with their children are absent. They child is an extension of themselves. The mind of the child becomes the battlefield for revenge. The parent attempts to banish the other parent so he can have the child to himself.

Compensating for Inadequacy and Guilt: Parents try to resolve the rejection or their sense of failure by convincing themselves that they are the best parent. Posturing as the superior parent makes them feel better even if it’s at the expense of their child. They have no conscience about the suffering of the child and the other parent.

Sources:

"Divorce Poison," Dr. Richard Warshak

"The Custody Revolution" by Dr. Richard Warshak

"Divorce Casualties: Understanding Parental Alienation," Dr. Douglas Darnall

The Truth About Long-Term Relationships - By Chris Gearing

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Go The Distance: The Truth About Long-Term Relationships

With the new Drew Barrymore and Justin Long comedy “Going The Distance” in theaters, many couples are seeing a long distance relationship in a new light.

But what’s it really like to go the distance?

Recession Reality: Thanks to the economy, long distance relationships are relatively common nowadays with partners working jobs in different cities just to make the bills. The worst part is that as the recession drags on, so does the time apart – couples have been long-distance for years now either at work or at school getting ready for new jobs.

New Technology, New Relationships: With the advent of new technologies like text messaging, Twitter, and Skype available for free at the touch of a button – carrying on long-distance relationships has become easier than ever. Even though the frequency of communication has show no effect on whether or not couples stayed together or the quality of their relationship, technology has made it easier than ever to talk to our loved ones – no matter how far they are.

Magnify The Positive: Researchers have seen higher levels of idealization of a partner if they are far away. In addition, couples try much harder to avoid conflict if they are long-distance since they don’t want to spoil their little time together with fighting.

Progress Is Slow: Real partnerships and relationships develop through conflict resolution and fully knowing the other person – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Due to the lack of face time, long distance relationships tend to progress at a much slower rate, both towards breaking up and marriage.

If you’re considering a long-distance relationship, the biggest question that you have to answer is do you really trust the other person?

Physical attraction is not the same as the building blocks of love - trust, similar values, and a common view of the world. If you’re moving into a long-term, long-distance relationship, be extremely sure about what your partner will feel, think, and do when you’re apart.

SOURCES:

“More Young Couples Try Long-Distance Relationships” by Sharon Jayson, USA Today, http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/mentalhealth/2010-09-09-longdistance09_ST_N.htm

Adult Child Anxiety! - By Chris Gearing

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Adult Child Anxiety!: Why Parents of Twentysomethings Can’t Calm Down

Even though your children are grown, do you still worry about them? Trust me, you’re not alone. You will always be your child’s parent, and that means you will always worry about them. New research says that if you think your child has a problem, it will make you unhappy.

But this is only for parents with adult children who are really in trouble, right?

Nope. The study found that having even one child who has a physical, emotional, lifestyle, emotional, or behavioral problem can have a negative effect on the parent. It didn’t matter if the other kids were successful – just one child with one kind of problem was enough to tip the scale.

Parents, here’s what you can do to pick up your mood and stop worrying so much – become emotionally fit:

Courage Under Fire: You must learn to remain calm under fire. Resilient people have an awesome ability to control their emotions even when things get stressful. Try taking a walk, count to ten, or distract yourself before you react to upsetting events.

Count Your Blessings: Focus on the positives in your child and remember that positive emotions literally undo negative emotions.

Say "Thank You" Often: Expressing gratitude to others is a huge step in becoming emotionally fit. Too often we take for granted the enormous blessings that surround us. Give thanks that you have a healthy child who is working to change their lives!

Acts of Kindness: Giving to others is a huge boost for emotionally fit people. Try volunteering around the community or do things for your children without asking for anything in return.

Make a Friend: Make a friend and see them often. Friends are the cheapest medicine, bar none! People with many friends have the lowest mortality rates, lower risk of disease, and a much higher satisfaction with their lives.

SOURCE:

“Adult Kids’ Problems Still Affect Parents’ Mental Health” by Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY, http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-08-13-APA-parents-stress13_ST_N.htm

How Men Deal With Stress - By Chris Gearing

Monday, October 04, 2010

Winning Ways - By Chris Gearing

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Women And Crime In The Recession - By Chris Gearing

Saturday, October 02, 2010

How To Spot Narcissists On Facebook - By Chris Gearing

Friday, October 01, 2010

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